I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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