fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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