Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
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This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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