my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
