I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
