OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
