can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
