My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
