im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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