I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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