He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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