i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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