someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
