I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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