Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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