Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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