if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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