And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Drake has all the answers
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
