She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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