The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
