I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
