How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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