Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
