so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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