turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
