i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
