So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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