me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
