The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
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I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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