Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
