OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
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