At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
