Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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