Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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