i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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