Moan for me like Helen Keller
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I cut my penus on the lid.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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