I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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