Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
