It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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