Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
