you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
