I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
