What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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