Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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