I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
