Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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