i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
