New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
