he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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