I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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