I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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