The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
