i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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