If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
