Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
