Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Randomize
