Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
