One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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