i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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