Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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