quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
