the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
