Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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