his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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