I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
