The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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