I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
