You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
